# 76 - Im greatful for my husband!!! He makes me breakfast almost every morning, and usually it is in some form of shaped toast! He has made me loveheart toast, dinasour toast, car toast...and this morning he made me bed toast!!



I love the fact he puts so much time and energy and love into my breakfast. It is very very very special.

PS.... i didn't go walking this morning :(

Walkin Walkin Walkin!!!

# 36 I am SOOOOOOOOOOO proud of myself!! It was very cold this morning...and the bed was so warm and cosy and my great big lump of a husband wouldn't move or join me for my walk like he is supposed to...but I went anyway! 30 mins around the streets, looking at the gardens to get ideas for our house.

I'm so so so proud of myself for going, and for keeping it up.

#79 - Ive been searching 2nd hand bookshops for all the awesome books I loved as a kid. I so wish I had never gotten rid of them as a teenager. silly things teenagers do! I sued to have a full set of Trixie Belden books!! She was so cool. 

So I have started collecting the Judy Blume books. I absolutely adored her books as a kid. Something about how she wrote was so....real. My favorites were Tiger Eyes and Deenie. I hope to install my love of reading into my future offspring. Reading is THE beast form of escape. 

#76 - Things I am grateful for...Ive forgotten to do this every day so far...but i endeavour to start it NOW!!

I am grateful for my health! i know its kinda boring to say that, but Ive been watching a hell of alot of Grey's Anatomy and its sad because poor Izzy is dying, and people are getting their stomachs cut out because of genetic stomach cancer, and have aneurysms int heir brains, and get crushed by rubbish compactors and have PTSD from Iraq...and i am SOOOO grateful that I am 99% fine and dandy. So thank you!!

# 45

Is it wrong of me to want a baby so bad sometimes it hurts???

ALLLLL my friends around me are having babies. It honestly feels like everyone is pregnant except me sometimes. I honestly never expected to feel this strongly about it. 

so go get sprogged up i hear you all yell...not so easy.

things that are against me sprogging up - 

My Job! - this one is ginormous. My job relies on me planning up to 18 months in advance. I get bookings for my services at least 9-12 months in advance, so just "having" a baby is kindof out of the question. And its not the sort of job i can palm off to someone else. I am my job. I am what they have booked for their wedding. I cant really just call and say "oh sorry don't feel like working today - you can cope yes??" I cant even imagine what I would say to someone who thought they were all organised, 6 months out from their wedding day and saying "sorry love you need to find another photographer" When all the good photographers are booked 9-12 months out... so all they would be left with is rubbish. The thought of doing that makes me feel sick.
It also means I would need to take 6 or more months off totally! Can you imagine what that will do for my credibility? For my exposure? everything Ive worked for in the past 3 years would be ruined because i took time off.
Also...i work every weekend in the busy season. That means if JB stays home and looks after the baby, I will have to go and do all the gigs on my own - or hire and assistant - or get a babysitter :( all sucky options.

Money - because of my job, if i don't work, I don't get paid. There is no such thing as paid maternity leave when you work for yourself. Again i need to plan in advance for not working for 6 months to a year. How the hell is that possible when we have a mortgage and stuff to pay for? JB's job doesn't pay that much so there is no way we could do it all on his wage. Sure Ruddy gives us $5K, but really, how far is that going to really go?? **Update** I just checked the Centerlink website and it seems that if we are eligible for both family tax benefits AND the parenting allowance, we can get up to $680/fn, which is about half of what I earn, but its definitely better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick.

Fear - another HUGE one. I'm terrified of something going wrong, or me doing something wrong, of the baby dying, or it being deformed or sick or damaged. I'm terrified of dropping it, or smothering it, or feeding it the wrong things, or stimulating it too much so it gets ADD, or not stimulating it enough so it becomes stupid. I'm terrified of morning sickness, and getting fat, and becoming whale like. I'm terrified of labour and C sections and epidurals and having a brain aneurysm because I'm pushing too hard, and having a million doctors looking at my vajayjay. Im terrified we get to the 12 week scan and they say "sorry no heart beat" or "congratulations there are 3 heartbeats!". I'm worried the child will be a terror and run round the house screaming all night long. I'm worried i will never get another full nights sleep and become a zombie who yells at everyone. I'm terrified all the hormones running around my system will turn me into a creature from the black lagoon. I'm unbelievably terrified of PND as I'm 100% certain to get it with my background. I'm worried that when its at school it wont be smart. I'm worried that it will get picked on majorly by the other kids...or even worse BE the one doing the picking! I'm worried it will get into drugs and car steeling and turn up at 14 pregnant. I'm worried it will change JB's and my relationship and he will leave me.

that's a hell of allot of scared!

I ask you - How the hell do i just Get Pregnant with all that stopping me???

I haven't even mentioned the issue about the possibility of not even being ABLE to get pregnant in the first place. I'm 33 years old. Ive never even had a real pregnancy scare in my whole life. And i CERTAINLY haven't been the virgin Mary, or the contraception queen. Ive been with JB for 3 years now. Ive not used contraception regularly that entire time. I have endometriosis. There is a very strong possibility its just not going to happen. If that is the case I will be absolutely devastated. and then get a cat.

Im Amazed!!

# 47 - So...it may only be 5 days in, but Ive not had junkfood for lunch ONCE this week! I'm generally in the school of "if its easier then its better" and driving down to maccas is far easier then trying to find something edible in the cupboard to make up for lunch.

So its lunch time, I'm starving, i look in the cupboard wanting to have a toastie and tomato soup (my lunch staple when I'm not eating crap) but we have no ham!!! AGH!!! so i check for tuna...as a tuna and cheese and sweetcorn toatsie is almost as good as a ham and cheese toastie...but no Tuna!!! AGH!! I'm almost going to chuck it all in and go get maccas when I spy with my little eye a can of Sardines...I haven't had sardines on toast for AGES...so that's what I have for lunch.

YUMMIE

# 36 - i kinda forgot to get up at 6.30am each morning though.... it was cold today!!

Date Night!!

so I'm off to the movies with my hubby tonight, which helps with #1 and sorta #6 (even though it IS a movie...its not via our couch LOL)

I'm doing pretty good with #31 (its 5.50pm and I'm about to leave my puter for the day) but not so good at #32 + #33. The problem is I work alone, so have NO outside stimulation at all and get VERY LONELY!!!! I need a way to entertain myself without spending all my time on facebook and forums. any suggestions??

We are currently planning our trip to the Eastern states in June, to visit rellies, drive from Melbourne to Sydney and go to the PMA/AIPP conference in Sydney, which will incorporate #65,#66, possibly #63 and #90 and HOPEFULLY #17, although it would be quite unlikely in my first year of entering the awards. 

its too exciting for words!!

Off to a good start I think!

So its been 4 days, and I think ive done pretty good so far!

#31 - I managed to turn my work puter off at 7pm...so thats not too bad...right???
#36 - I was up at 6.45 and went for a walk around the lake :) super proud of myself for that one!
#47 - I so wanted Maccas for lunch yesterday, but made myself drive a different way home so I wouldn't go past it, and then made myself a nice healthy tuna and salad sandwich. Felt much better!!!

I didn't manage to reduce my coke intake, but its a work in progress :)

The Very Beginning.....

So...Ive jumped on the 101 in 1001 bandwagon. It does seem like a bloody good way to make decent goals and actually have some way of reaching them! some of my goals may well not be achievable, i mean i have no real say in weather i can actually reproduce and i seriously doubt I will ever get my underground cinema in my house....but others should be easy enough to do, just have to get off my fat arse and DO THEM!!

#16 - Ive already crossed off one of my goals for this year. The AIPP stands for the Australian Institute of Professional Photographers. It basically means im hot shit and can say my photos rock!! haha. i have to say Ive always been majorly hesitant of joining this organisation because i was worried it would make me stuck up or snobby or bitchy or elitist...and i hate the idea of people judging me and my work. Ive always WANTED to join because it IS elitist and Ive always wanted to be friends with the popular kids at school (slight conundrum I know) but also because it makes you strive to be better. Ive never been great with rejection or criticism as I always take it far to personally (your photo is printed a bit light and lacks contrast = you are a failure at everything and your too fat) so having my work, which means so much to me, scrutinised and judged is very very very very VERY scary for me. So I'm extremely proud of myself for not only being accepted int the cool group at school, but also being brave enough to put my application in at all! So YAY for me!!