# 45

Is it wrong of me to want a baby so bad sometimes it hurts???

ALLLLL my friends around me are having babies. It honestly feels like everyone is pregnant except me sometimes. I honestly never expected to feel this strongly about it. 

so go get sprogged up i hear you all yell...not so easy.

things that are against me sprogging up - 

My Job! - this one is ginormous. My job relies on me planning up to 18 months in advance. I get bookings for my services at least 9-12 months in advance, so just "having" a baby is kindof out of the question. And its not the sort of job i can palm off to someone else. I am my job. I am what they have booked for their wedding. I cant really just call and say "oh sorry don't feel like working today - you can cope yes??" I cant even imagine what I would say to someone who thought they were all organised, 6 months out from their wedding day and saying "sorry love you need to find another photographer" When all the good photographers are booked 9-12 months out... so all they would be left with is rubbish. The thought of doing that makes me feel sick.
It also means I would need to take 6 or more months off totally! Can you imagine what that will do for my credibility? For my exposure? everything Ive worked for in the past 3 years would be ruined because i took time off.
Also...i work every weekend in the busy season. That means if JB stays home and looks after the baby, I will have to go and do all the gigs on my own - or hire and assistant - or get a babysitter :( all sucky options.

Money - because of my job, if i don't work, I don't get paid. There is no such thing as paid maternity leave when you work for yourself. Again i need to plan in advance for not working for 6 months to a year. How the hell is that possible when we have a mortgage and stuff to pay for? JB's job doesn't pay that much so there is no way we could do it all on his wage. Sure Ruddy gives us $5K, but really, how far is that going to really go?? **Update** I just checked the Centerlink website and it seems that if we are eligible for both family tax benefits AND the parenting allowance, we can get up to $680/fn, which is about half of what I earn, but its definitely better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick.

Fear - another HUGE one. I'm terrified of something going wrong, or me doing something wrong, of the baby dying, or it being deformed or sick or damaged. I'm terrified of dropping it, or smothering it, or feeding it the wrong things, or stimulating it too much so it gets ADD, or not stimulating it enough so it becomes stupid. I'm terrified of morning sickness, and getting fat, and becoming whale like. I'm terrified of labour and C sections and epidurals and having a brain aneurysm because I'm pushing too hard, and having a million doctors looking at my vajayjay. Im terrified we get to the 12 week scan and they say "sorry no heart beat" or "congratulations there are 3 heartbeats!". I'm worried the child will be a terror and run round the house screaming all night long. I'm worried i will never get another full nights sleep and become a zombie who yells at everyone. I'm terrified all the hormones running around my system will turn me into a creature from the black lagoon. I'm unbelievably terrified of PND as I'm 100% certain to get it with my background. I'm worried that when its at school it wont be smart. I'm worried that it will get picked on majorly by the other kids...or even worse BE the one doing the picking! I'm worried it will get into drugs and car steeling and turn up at 14 pregnant. I'm worried it will change JB's and my relationship and he will leave me.

that's a hell of allot of scared!

I ask you - How the hell do i just Get Pregnant with all that stopping me???

I haven't even mentioned the issue about the possibility of not even being ABLE to get pregnant in the first place. I'm 33 years old. Ive never even had a real pregnancy scare in my whole life. And i CERTAINLY haven't been the virgin Mary, or the contraception queen. Ive been with JB for 3 years now. Ive not used contraception regularly that entire time. I have endometriosis. There is a very strong possibility its just not going to happen. If that is the case I will be absolutely devastated. and then get a cat.